I should have seen it coming.
Recently, an insane and crazy thought popped into my head. It was so unexpected, so novel, that I paused to try and decipher where it had come from exactly. The thought? Maybe I should leave the interpreting profession entirely.
Yes I AM a stay-at-home mommy. Still, I was endeavoring to dabble in my profession on the side in order to maintain my skills so that I could return should I ever choose to. I have continued to stay on top of my CEU's and pay to maintain all my certifications and organizational memberships. Not to mention the fact that I worked very, very, very hard to get all my degrees, certifications, and establish an excellent skill level. I was a good interpreter! I took pride in my abilities and always tried to better myself. I loved what I was doing.
When RJ came along I chose, purposefully, intentionally to become a full-time mommy. I realized the effect this may have on my professional skills (not to mention resume!). I knew that being a mommy was more important than any professional accolades or recognition or success. And, truth to tell, being a mommy has been the most challenging undertaking of all. And rewarding.
Moving here to to this sprawling metropolis of the West again put my efforts at maintaining my skills at a stand still. There was the initial trauma of the move and the subsequent settling in to a new life. This was followed, admittedly late, by the tentative quest to determine what the interpreting professional landscape looks like here. There did seem to be some options, but Daddy's job and schedule are crazy which severely limit my flexibility. An important part of the interpreting profession, unfortunately. While Daddys job has always hampered my own professional efforts ( a natural part of life for any military spouse) this particular airframe is the worst. Trying to maintain my skills, my professional relevance, has become excruciatingly difficult, time consuming, and always, always expensive!
Despite the obstacles, I went ahead and applied for several openings in the field that I was highly qualified for (at least resume wise :). I did not sign on with the local agency. This was all done with the thought that a door may open somewhere for me to step through. A door has always opened for me before... After a few months and no response from any of my applications I began to doubt. There was interest, but no definite accepts or declines. Now, a couple months has turned into an entire year that I have not interpreted or signed to anyone other than RJ (and he always tells me to stop and use my voice!). Lack of use is a death knell in this business and I know it.
So, when the wayward (or maybe not so wayward?) thought popped into my head to drop it all and leave it behind I was momentarily speechless. LEAVE IT? After all that effort, time, sweat, stress, and money spent just to get my where I was? Instead of assuming I was crazy, I decided to approach my husband about this idea. Although he has never wanted me to work (i know, weird) even he paused before answering. Oddly, he didn't immediately say no. He actually wasn't sure what to think about my idea. We both decided to think and pray on this some more. Boy did I start praying :) Because deep down, I do not want to give up everything I have earned and gained. I love working. I love being successful. I love interpreting.
On the other hand, I am planning to homeschool RJ because of the city we are in and the lack of options for his education. ( I am, after all, a certified EC-4 teacher...) On top of that, I have another Patchen to focus on.
I believe everything - everything- happens for a reason. Ultimately God is in control. I have considered that God might be speaking to me and urging me to consider this new path. A path where I leave behind all the accolades and success. Where I totally give up my own selfish wants and desires and do what He wants for me to do (whether I know what that is yet or not!). Its not easy, though, and I find myself fighting this idea every step of the way.
That leads me to today. Today. A day of humiliation and embarrassment for my type A, overachieving personality type. See, today one of those positions (a perfect one of course) I applied for in May in the hopes of helping to maintain my skill (and was hoping against all hope would work out) contacted me to let me know that I....that I....( I can say this!).. I did not pass the interpreting evaluation. ( wow. I cannot even type that without crying. ) A simple, easy, generic evaluation. They told me to come back in a year. (que the water works)
I realized that I probably sucked now, but to hear it from the horses mouth so to speak. Tough. Real tough. Although my wall is littered with degrees and certifications I am unable to pass a basic interpreting evaluation. (again the water works) Frankly, there is little to no possibility of me getting the practice needed to pass the darn thing. So here I am. In a conundrum and balling my eyes out because I no longer cut it. Another door, another possibility slammed in my face. (and a large serving of humility shoved in for good measure)
Now comes the decisions. What do I do? I'm not sure. At least not a hundred percent :)
Why continue to pay for all these certifications and dues if I am never going to use them again? Why pay for all the CEU's that are required to maintain my certifications? I have a lot of money going out, but am bringing nothing in. Is that fair to my family? When will I be going back to my career? Not any time soon, thats apparent. Im coming to the point where justifying these expenses and planning my 'return to the field' appears to be wishful (possibly selfish) thinking on my part. Truth be told, there is a certain measure of stress involved for me in trying to juggle all these different responsibilities. Maybe it's time to focus on just one?
I do know that my mind is saying one thing, but my heart is saying another. The Bible says "the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?" Uh oh. Sometimes the right decision is not the easiest one or the best feeling in the short term. In the long run, though, the right decision is always understood and appreciated. While my pride may be dented and my attitude embarrassingly rotten, I still have one person who always thinks I am great - the little boy I would give up a career for.
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